Child's play?

My life is like the Hokey Pokey. I take two steps forward, I take two steps back.

Inherently cementing my inertia.

My karma better improve drastically.

I believe I've officially gone off the deep end of the dating pool.

First let me preface this with I've been trying to let this guy down easy for five month. He. Just. Won't Give. Up.

So tonight I am going to see a movie with the IT guy here at work. I might as well be going out with Comic Book Guy.

If I had one, my classified ad would look a little something like this:

27, swf, looking for dorky 28 year old male, preferrably with man boobs and body odor. Must live with parents, be able to install RAM in five minutes or less and spend free time picking out the coolest Bluetooth headsets at Radio Shack. Minimum Level 60 World or Warcraft mage is a must. Also, would be nice if you owned a name tag with programmable LCD screen for scrolling, hilarious messages to aim at co-workers.

I'm sitting on a big ol' pile of ROCK BOTTOM.

Bikini Freakend 2007!

I just returned from the Funfest (not to be confused with Awesomefest) that was my weekend. God, how long have I been talking about this thing? "Guys, can we talk about the lake house?" Sniff...sniff. Now I can't ask that question anymore. Is it too early to start planning No Sleep 'Til Racine 2008?

Anyways, Sarah has put together a nice little list of highlights of this weekend on her site. They're pretty much all inside jokes, but if you check out the videos I just uploaded, you'll get a flavor for the craziness of the weekend. It was a true weekend of excess. Excess drinking, excess eating, excess fun, excess stupidity.

Wasn't it William Blake who wrote, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom?" He clearly had a lake house mini-break of his own.

I've taken Sarah's list of highlights and explained them a bit more in my own words. You all also know where to find photos at my all photo site.

*Let me preface this with a lot of what was said or done below was done so under the influence of many different substances so I can't be held accountable for how unfunny, weird, or senseless any of this sounds. The below reiterations are more for the people who lived these moments and less for my readers. But hey...good luck deciphering!

Memories from the lake house

1. Using our "Inside the Bearded Clam" voices This particular memory was an off shoot of the Categories drinking game we had played earlier in the night. The category was "Names for the female anatomy" and the above name was said. We then used it any time we started to get loud outside on the patio.
2. Playing "I hate" Another Jill O'Malley drinking game. Not so much a game as more of a venting ground. Some examples: "I hate runners who jog in place at stop lights." Or, "I hate men who have more than one cat." You get the picture.
3. The official bags tournament and my realization that I'm really NOT good Considering I was also knocked out in the first round (I blame the entire staff of Budweiser for this), don't feel so bad Sarah. Bags (or cornhole for you Northsiders) is an acquired skill.
4. Smoking in the tree house For those guests that wanted to indulge in some good old fashioned pot smoking, a room was fashioned out of the attic, which was incidentally, made completely of wood. It also featured a secret closet which was known to all smokers as "Narnia" once it was discovered. Also the wooden ladder stairs leading to the room would explain the nickname. Not to mention the fortune-telling going on inside. Actually, that doesn't have anything to do with it, but was funny as hell. "Drug-related charges!!!"I think about five pounds of Red Vines were consumed in the tree-house on the first night.
5. The assembly line in the Fuck Factory (with its underpaid migrant workers) Also referring back to the game Categories in the same category as mentioned above. This was the affectionate name I gave to my own female anatomy. The group decided to take it even further by giving the "factory" a break room that served churros and constantly looped the Mexican Hat Dance song.
6. Jill's porn tits Small, economic. Gets the job done. Especially in early 70's porn.
7. Like a baby doll with X eyes I was passed out in the master bedroom by the time this one was happened. Sorry, I can only imagine though.
8. Giving a pepper grinder This one I only caught the tail end of, but I believe Kate was telling a story about how to give "proper head". This would include the motion of a pepper grinder. All conversations on the patio turned oddly sexual.
9. "I hate Nicole Richie. She has great bangs." Another one of Kate's awkward, untimely drunken confessions.
10. Chuck falling into the woods during the dizzy bat race The first casualty in the Lake House Picnic Games 2007. Chuck and Pete were really competitive and took the game to a whole new level. Unfortunately, what you get when you do that is a bloody knee and a face full of foliage.
11. "The mother IS the doctor!" Riddle me this, riddle me that. There was an abnormal amount of bad joke telling and riddles going on. Pete even drew his lightbulb riddle on paper and we sat for nearly a half hour trying to figure it out until Rainman Katie just blew us all away with her problem-solving skills. My brain hurt after thirty seconds. I stopped doing logic questions when I took the SATs ten years ago.
12. "I love when hippos are wet.  I just want to kiss their skin!" This was Jill talking about how she loves when hippos have wet skin. It came up during the miniature animals discussion below.
13. Miniature animals the size of a beer can I forget exactly how this came up but Jill was talking about how she wants to invent a serum that will shrink down animals so that they’re 1/32 of their size – or about the size of a beer can. Then it turned into making a whole tiny zoo… then shrinking down Indians to shoot the animals with tiny arrows (we’d get them at the Ho-Chunk casino)… then we talked about shrinking down all kinds of stuff – storing your whole apartment inside a cigarette box, etc.
14. The miniature gorilla walking like a gentleman Pete #2 talking about how he’d like to shrink a gorilla and it’d be all feisty some of the time, but most of the time it’d “walk like a gentleman.”
15. Pete demonstrating the porno tricep Pete again – talking about how male porn stars always turn to the side and put their hand high up on their hip so that the camera can get a good shot of the action.
16. "Yeah, you like that?"  During one of the instantly turned sexual conversations on the patio, Jill started talking about how she likes a guy to be passionate in bed – she thinks it’d be hot for a guy to say that during sex. It became another one of the random quotes we said all weekend.
17. "I'm a bank teller. Would you like your transaction?" Jill again…she kept doing this thing when the conversation got too out of control where she’d put both her hands in front of her face (hands in, palms in, fingers almost touching) and sort of swipe them down to her chest to like clean the slate or something…So Sarah started saying she looked like a bank teller behind the window…
18. Come come on the bass drum This inside joke actually began even before we got to the lake house. Caroline and Jill were stuffed into the back seat of my car with two full bags boards, three suitcases, an air mattress, six board games, one cooler, one loaf of cinnamon bread and two very large tomatoes. Well, you can imagine how uncomfortable that was. While we were waiting and coincidentally watching Katie struggle with fitting all the rest of her shit into the back of my car, Caroline's voice came from inside the car, "Katie...come come on the bass drum. Katie...on the bass drum." kicking off one of the most overused quotes of the weekend. The quote is actually from the movie the Break-Up during the scene where Jennifer Aniston's family breaks into song over dinner. Totally random.  
19. Beer bottles/cans stuffed full of cigarette butts The Butt Hutt. Need I say more?
20. "Wait, how'd you get the noodles up there?" Jackie was talking about how she and Pete used fettuccini alfredo in bed once. Sarah asked, “Wait, how’d you get the noodles up there?”
21. Tiny meow/Tiny roar Obviously what a miniature animal would say. Clearly this impression is better communicated in person.
22. Megan's emotional bulimia I believe this one came from reading trashy magazines on the patio and commenting on how skinny all the models were. I then proudly professed to everyone that "I am more of an emotional bulimic." I prefer emotional pain to cutting or any other type of disorder.
23. "Cum cannon...tell your friends" During yet another round of Categories, this time the "Names of the male anatomy" category. Pete blurts out, "CUM CANNON!" and with this beaming look of pride says, "I just made that up on the spot. Tell your friends. Let's start a trend."
24. Pete winning Best Leading Man in a Dare Performance for shotgunning 3 beers Pretty self-explanatory. We started playing Truth or Dare which quickly turned into Dare or Dare, which quickly turned into Just Do This Stupid Thing We Tell You.
25. "Comin' straight from the state that shouldn't populate, I'm Miss Indiana" This was probably one of the funniest things I've ever experienced. Pete and Jackie's obviously practiced, choreographed impressions of beauty pageant contestants. This was at the end of the last night, so you can imagine how drunk we had to be to laugh that hard. Check out the video on my videos section.
26. The other Pete's Miss Texas impression with an apathetic "yee-haw" See above.
27. Mmmm....whatcha saaay-ay-ay? You all know the SNL spoof of the OC episode where everyone dies, right? We played that clip ALL NIGHT the first night. Then, for the whole weekend, anytime it got too quiet, someone would bust out with the "Mmmmm...whatcha saaaay-ay-ay." Instant laughter.
28. Debra the Zebra The name we gave Jill's blow-up innertube that Chuck #2 violated on the last night.
29. Caroline taking our complimentary wine to the neighbors to apologize for being loud The morning after the first night, the rental agent called me to tell me that the neighbors complained about how loud we were. She said that if it happened again, that we would have to leave early. The best part was when Caroline took the wine the rental agency left for us on the kitchen table as a welcome gift and gave it to the neighbors.

So that's about it. Guys, it was truly a ridiculously fun weekend. I never want to see another Pick n' Save in my life though or eat any type of grilled meat again.

Let's keep the memories alive. Until next year...

Under construction.

He is the architect of my happiness.

I could never create as he does, with my fumbling fingers and incomplete set of legos.

The only drawback is that before he plans his newest blueprint, he completely destroys me. Razes every inch of me, until there's nothing left, leaving me breathless and blank. I'm an empty stretch of land, waiting to be tracked. Desperately seeking meaning. Purpose.

I can't function without his vision and it wrecks me every time.

But the truth is, what he builds is breathtaking and I've become addicted to the process.

Love them redheads...

"...Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes..."

Happy 4th!